I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
