how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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