well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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