Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
