why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
