I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
