just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
