I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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