I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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