Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
