So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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