I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
