There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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