My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My penis needs a shock collar
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
