my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
