Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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