I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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