turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
