I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
