Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize