that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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