Got a toothbrush?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
