need another drink. this is the easiest way
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
