Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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