Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
