True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
