i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
