new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
