Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
