Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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