I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
