i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Can I color on your dick again?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
