I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
please don't ironically join a cult
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