all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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