no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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