i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
