In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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