I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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