white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
