I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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