I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
