He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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