Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
