im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
