You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
