Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
