Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
