I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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