My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
