ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The air was thick with penises
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
