i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
