SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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