rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
