Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
