I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
