I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
