I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
