good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize