What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
