I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
