my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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